help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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