I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
