I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Randomize
