I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
