im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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