I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
