I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
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He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
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the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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