i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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