My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Just pee around me
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
