Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I'm too high and old for this...
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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