Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Randomize
