she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
