FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
