either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
