Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
