I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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