I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize