I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
