I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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