Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
