There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
