forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
