he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
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When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
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Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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