He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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