oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
