Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
