I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
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