The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
