toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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