I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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