Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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