I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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