The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
