I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
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and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
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I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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