there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
