I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
