Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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