it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
