Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
