her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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