Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
