my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
