i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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