i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
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