I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
