i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Randomize
