hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
My vagina is officially offended.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
