We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize