he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I wear drunk well.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
