ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
