I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
